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| you really fucked me up
i used to be okay
i'm not okay anymore...
i'm bad. you don't care. but i'm terrible.
i don't know. - Mood:depressed
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| It’s easy to convince yourself that you aren’t in love with someone...until you see them in the hallway, or smell someone wearing their cologne. Then you’re like “here we go again.” So my conclusion is this: you don’t ever stop loving someone. It’s more a matter of learning to deal with the pain of not having them anymore.
he's dating someone else. she's a sophomore though, which is an embarassing step down from me and kind of makes it hurt less. she is not cute either. his constant need to be dating someone is sad. really.
next year is so close, and yet so far...kelsey is gonna be gone for almost all of june which is reallllyy sad for me and my partying status, which will be NOT AT ALL! which is irritating. of course, i'll miss her too. she reminds me of the quote "the most memorable people in your life will be the ones that loved you when you weren't very lovable"
she is great to me. kelsey and beer(the person) make my life infinitely better.
thats it for tonight. until later, i suppose. - Mood:contemplative
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| this whole prom date thing may cause more trouble than it's worth. problem: i like him as more than a friend. i always have. we have been talking for months and he's one of the only people i can really relate to. we didn't technically specify that we're just going as friends,so im not positive how this is gonna go. we got his tux today. he seems nervous around me. and quiet, and i know he's only quiet around girls he likes. but at the same time i dont wanna think that, get my hopes up, and end up being completely wrong. i don't know what to think.
i know it's cold outside, but this late
night is just no fun without you, and
i just wanted to say thanks; you're
the only reason i've smiled in days. - Mood:crushed
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| you promised you'd be there, whenever i needed you. whenever i call your name, you're not anywhere. i'm trying to hold on...
i just came to a realization...i resent anyone who breaks up with me. like worse than resent---i literally hate them. i don't forgive them. i don't care if they live or die. i guess i don't take rejection well. and i can't stand to even think of them, it kills me to think that someone didn't want me. i don't think this is normal, but hell, that ship sailed a long time ago. i don't sleep well these days. i haven't really for awhile. my head is all jumbled up. should i be able to deal with this better? i just put so much trust in people, and they are constantly letting me down. i don't understand what i did to deserve all of this. this year has been such a headache. i used to care about things. now its just whatever. for example, i have an AP english test tomorrow. i studied for about 15 minutes, which consisted of making a few notecards. i have that class 2nd period tomorrow. also i have to go to school early to take a human anatomy quiz, which i also didn't study for. half the time i just wanna lay in bed all day.
a guy at work likes me. he's cute. he seems like a good guy. but i can't bring myself to like him because i don't want to trust him and get my heart broken again. i probably will give in eventually, and he will drop me like they all do.
beer and kelsey are angels. without them, i would be nothing. they're great to me and i don't often deserve it.
Later on, me and a bottle will hook up to have some fun, and I'll call your house just to let you know that I'm drunk. Say "I'm sorry Mrs. R, I was just looking for your son. How are you, and incidentally, do you know if he's alone? There is this book he lent me something like seven months ago. I'm gonna burn it in the street, be so kind as to let him know that I'm dealing with this badly and could he please get back to me?"
cursed by my imagination,
teeming with echos of situations
i do not feel well, pressed beneath this spell.
polishing my social skills, with one more drink,
and two more pills, i do not feel good,
by now i thought i would.
- Mood:cranky
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| tell him im in tampa, on the causeway, watching the waves roll in. tell him i'm in aspen, in a cabin, finding myself agian. telll him im happy, and i've moved on, better than i've ever been. just don't tell him that you saw me, drowning in this bottle, trying to make him dissappear. tell him i'm anywhere, anywhere but here. tell him i'm happy, and i've moved on. looking better than you've ever seen. i just almost called him, to talk to him about everything. i didn't. he doesn't care anymore. but i feel like he should | |
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| my toe hurts. it is about to fall off. anywho. i was thinking...maybe its not him that i miss. maybe its just having someone. i got so used to having someone there all the time, whenever i needed them.my best friend. and now i have no boys and its weird. especially with all this prom junk coming up, i dont have a date, and i hate that i dont have a date because dances suck without a date, and plus prom reminds me of him because we did all this prom stuff together last year...it doesnt seem like its been a year. i still remember everything. i should stop having such a good memory: it generally ends up getting me into trouble. and i cant remember useful things like oh, say my human anatomy notes. no, i remember stupid little things that I DONT EVEN WANT TO REMEMBER! GET OUT OF MY BRAIN! ugh, it would be really conveinient if yelling at my brain worked. i need a prom date, or better yet, a boyfriend. oh, the quote thats in the subject is a postsecret quote. if you haven't checked it out, go to www.postsecret.com. it changed my life. i think im getting better at speaking my mind, which is a plus. the other day i flipped this guy off, and i think he was shocked. but he deserved it. hahaha. i forget about the good things in my life sometimes. i have been looking at baby pics for my graduation stuff. and i look at the girl in those pictures and think...she was so happy. so carefree, nothing bothered her.and i think...what happened to that girl? i have changed so much even from the girl i was a year ago. i dont understand when everything starts going wrong and changing, but i assume it has to do with high school. which i am so ready to be done with. 27 days... Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t expect someone to read your mind, and don't play games with heads or hearts. Don't tell half truths and expect trust when the full truth comes out. Half truths are no better than lies. Don't be cold to someone you care about, indifference hurts more than angry words "I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week.
I can't think again. Not ever again. I don't know if you've
ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years.
Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist.
Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid,
but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think.
I just want it all to stop spinning." --the perks of being a wallflower
Love doesn’t go away because we want it to, but remains even when it becomes a searing pain, leaving the heart a desert of bitter remorse and grief for joy, a happiness that once has been and now never could return. There had been a time when simply to touch this little bit of linen he held now so casually brought every aching moment of that love back. The sense of desolate pain-drenched loss traveled up his arm, enclosing his heart like a set of icy fingers. A time when to look upon what it held was unbearable.
- Mood:hopeful
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| oh livejournal. i'm not so sure about this entry. but i guess it will be okay since no one can really read it(except MARY who i never see!). oh yeah, also the enter key on my laptop is broken so its gonna be all one sentence. haha oops. i need to send that shit in. will do eventually. it will happen. so i went to spain. its gorgeous there. i want to move there. i'm planning to go back next year for spring break which is when they have FALLAS(so tight) and then i'm gonna do my sophomore year of college at the university of valencia. i loved everything about it. mostly the fact that they don't really have a lot of rules and restrictions like the US does. i think the problem with our government today is that we restrict people from everything. it's the basic principle that if you tell someone not to do something, it just makes them want to do it more. in spain, they don't have all these bullshit rules like "you can't drink til you're 21, can't smoke til you're 18", no they don't do that shit. and they dont have nearly as bad of a drug and alcohol problem as the US does. it makes sense. also the whole "4000 miles away" aspect has something to do with my love of spain. its just so different. everything there is gorgeous and everything here is, well, corn. not cute. i think i am a european at heart. home has too many memories. which brings us to my next point...i miss him. still. it's been MONTHS. i should be better. i should be okay, but i'm not. he doesn't want me anymore, he did, but i wanted to stay with stupid brian(ass) and now he's gone with some girl and he likes her and he's over me, and i'm not over him. it tears me up inside. i dont know if things will ever quit reminding me of him. it can't help that every guy i dated after him was a complete asshole. i've lost all faith in the male species. maybe they make nicer boys over in spain, i don't know, but i will find out. the ones i did meet were very nice. whatever, fuck it. i just want to get out of here....every day hurts.
i'm just sitting out here watchin airplanes
take off and fly
trying to figure out which one you might be on
and why you don't love me anymore
If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore,
you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself.
You can't decide not to see yourself anymore.
You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head.
-Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
i can't escape, and nothing anyone says makes it hurt less - Mood:sad
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